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30 August 2010

See Saw

I have really been going back and forth lately about going back to work.  Until we get some more animals on the farm or more land to rear animals, farming alone is not making enough income for two people to live on, let alone the entire family we are planning.

I looked at the local fast food places and applied, a few of them even called me back.  It would be easy for me to go back to work in one of those places, but with me still in school and now the farm needs more attention with the livestock...I just can't see myself happily working forty hours.

I am one of those weird people that has to like the place before I even consider working there.  A few of the places I applied (the fast food joints) I realized I did not like them.  I feel like they are a distration.

It is difficult for me to put this into words, because as of late there has been much external contracersey to the life I am living and how I am living it.  I know that my family members may mean well, but they do not realize their words often cut me to the quick and their words leave me bleeding for days.  It has taken me the better part of two years to get the cruel words of my ex out of my head - it's funny how something totally unreleated can open up an old wound.

So, obviously by chosing not to work there are some bills that have been put off, such as my ever growing student loans.  Who without them I would be stuck working at KFC for...well forever.  And no, perhaps college WAS NOT necessary for me, but I certainly felt called to it.  Now, I think it was to learn to despise religion and grow closer to the Lover of my Soul.

I do not understand how farming fits into the lifeplan that God has for me.  All I know is that the desire is there!  I do not feel it is selfish or just my desires because my husband also carries the same feelings and desires.  All I know is that we are becoming ever more self-sufficent.

I do know this.  My husband and I are going to be missionaries in Brazil.  I cannot say when exactly, but I feel  some of all of our kids are meant to be born here.  I often wonder how Elizabeth Elliot felt knowing God had called her.  Is farming a distraction or a direction?  Am I afraid to venture out into the field because of my first marriage?  Or do I still need more time to heal?

Show me your way O Lord, show me your direction.  I do not want to wander from you and waste my time here on earth chasing after something that will mean nothing....I cannot do that again.  Please show us where you want us to go and what you want us to do with absolutely clear insight and understanding.....